Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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