I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Randomize
