Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
