nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
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