Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
