we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
