I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
