I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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