Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
