i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
