I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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