I heard we made out
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
