please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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