in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
