My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Still dying that you shit outside
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
