It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
