i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I deserve this hangover.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
