he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You're earring is so big in my mouth
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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