I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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