First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
