stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
