You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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