the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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