I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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