I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
