ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
