i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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