I just pynch a tree in the face
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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