I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
