I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
