The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
