eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He has the fingertips of a God
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