This dress was meant to end up on your floor
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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