it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
