My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
