living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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