Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
