I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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