I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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