the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.