If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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