I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
