i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
