I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
