Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
