He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
