I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
