you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't judge my taste in strippers
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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