you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
