just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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