Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
