i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
