and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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