I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
im six kinds of drunk right now
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
