The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
