Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
