life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
