i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
